How to Get a (Love) Life by Rosie Blake

Author:Rosie Blake [Blake, Rosie]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: funny books, Women's Fiction, dating, Chick Lit, Humour, romantic comedy, laugh out loud
ISBN: 9781910014035
Published: 2014-01-28T23:00:00+00:00

Chapter Eighteen

Single girl seeks man by normal means. No love potions, no spell casting, no black cats or crystal balls.

Contact: Box No. 06660

After the day I’d had, I just wanted to get home, stick the kettle on and start getting ready for Christmas. The last thing I wanted to do was find out what ridiculous surprise my brother wanted to show me. A new biking jacket? A DVD on the nocturnal habits of the Peruvian Short-Haired bat? Jumping in a cab, I reasoned that I could be there and back on my sofa within an hour.

‘Why have you dragged me here, Mark, at the end of a long day. Some of us have real jobs in which we have to work and get tired. And I need to wrap presents.’ I piled into his house and recoiled at the sight that greeted me.

Mark lived in a shared house just off Gloucester Road, on a street so cool the graffiti had been photographed for a council art project. The house itself had seen better days (last decorated circa 1970) and Mark’s living room was a cross between David Attenborough’s workspace and Hell. Photographs of exotic species of mammals lined the walls, a big poster of an enormous-eyed, winged creature stared back over his sofa, and the round table was littered with discarded beer cans and Opal Fruit wrappers (or ‘breakfast’ as Mark called it).

‘And, by the by, do you know you are disgusting?’ I said, still standing, due to a lack of clean sitting areas.

Mark flapped his hand and put down the black marker pen he was holding.

‘I needed you here because I have a cunning and brilliant plan and wanted you to witness it,’ he explained, marching over to a cupboard and pulling out a large flipchart from inside.

‘What IS that?’ I asked, curiosity piqued.

‘This,’ Mark huffed as he propped it up in the middle of the room, ‘is “The Carol Plan”.’

I groaned as he went on. ‘Oh, Mark, no. Let her go,’ I said.

‘No, sis, impossible. You see, all your searching for love got me thinking. I have to have this girl.’ He turned over the first sheet to reveal a blown-up photograph of Carol’s face, surrounded by lots of drawn-on arrows pointing at her head. It looked like a serial killer’s target. I sat down on the arm of his sofa.

‘Er … Mark …’

‘Shh, sis. Your search got me thinking. I don’t want to continue to court these random people any more. I have always known who I should be with and I need to make this a reality. So, I have come up with this plan.’ He turned the next sheet over to reveal two stick people standing next to each other lifting something between them.

‘What are they doing?’ I asked, squinting at the picture.

‘Holding up a poster as they are hosting the planetarium’s children’s event in the new year, of course.’

‘Of course,’ I nodded.

‘That good-looking cad is me,’ Mark pointed to one of the stick people, who had four strands of hair.

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